Gordo (Aries) 20 March – 20 April : Dude-bro of the zodiac. Generally available to help you move, hang out, whatever. Generally unlucky in love, due to laziness. Still uses ICQ.

Sonia (Taurus) 20 April – 21 May : The sign of Sonia. Only Sonia may have this sign.

Schizo Stevens (Gemini) 21 May – 21 June: The preferred sign of crazies everywhere. Great at parties, but never, ever dateable, except by Cancers.

Cancer 21 June – 22 July : Jerk sign. Not as sustainable as Scorpio. Official enemy of the Sonia Fan Club and affiliated organizations.

Major General Chang (Leo) 22 July – 23 August : Bellicose. Prone to aggression. Bafflingly good at chess. Collection of rare buttons attracts mousey girls who are totally nice but rarely sleep with him.

Rosemerta (Virgo) 23 August – 23 September: The sexiest sign. This necessitates keeping a low profile.

Svetlana (Libra) 23 September – 23 October : The communist sign. Perfect socialist stereotype, obsessed with the coming revolution, but lack of organizational skills leads to prevarication when it comes to specific implementation. Favourite band: They Might Be Giants.

John (Scorpio) 23 October – 22 November : Clearly a spy. Most other signs currently unaware.

Pickens (Sagittarius) 22 November – 22 December: This maudlin mother-fucker. The sad clown of the Sondiac. Generally avoided by others. Rarely invited to parties; often shows up.

Mistress Anmara (Capricorn) 22 December – 20 January: Hermaphrodite, which is why is often represented by the goat-fish. Like if a satyr and a mermaid had a kid. To look upon the Mistress is to feel confused and yet aroused. Bitch is hilarious.

Dell AST-57 (Aquarius) 20 January – 18 February: Robot. Also a witch.

Pisces 18 February – 20 March : Fake. Illegitimate member of the Zodiac, born to a mercer's daughter in 17th century Germany, who slept with a young man claiming to be a Baronet. Bastards with slut-mothers are not recognized by the Sondiac.

Sonia (Taurus): You are Sonia. You will probably have a good August.

Pisces: Fake sign. There is no August for you.

Svetlana (Libra): You are a communist. At best, your August will be "okay", but you will complain regardless.

Rosemerta (Virgo): You remain unnervingly sexy. August is an uncomfortable month, due to the necessity of you covering every inch of your smoking hot body.

Cancer: Jerk-sign. You remain a jerk. We hope you have a shitty August.

Mistress Anmara (Capricorn): Your lucky number is party. You throw some great ones. Pickens shows up, which is a downer, but you recover with poise. Expect work to be hectic.

Schizo Stevens (Gemini): You sell half your meds and hide the money around the house. You have an awesome August.

Dell AST-57 (Aquarius) : You are a robot. And a witch. You have an awesome August.

John (Scorpio): You sleep with Svetlana . During the afterglow, she spills the beans on some half-fleshed out plans for starting a subversive yet inspirational newsletter. You don't bother writing this down.

Gordo (Aries) : Solid month. You get into a car accident, but no one is hurt and you barely notice the ding on your Pontiac. Find $20 bucks in jeans you had left at Mistress Anmara's house.

Major General Chang (Leo) : August is a great time for camping and self-reflection. You and Svetlana play war games. You beat her easily, but then get pwned by Mistress Anmara, whose sneak attacks are famously unpredictable.

Pickens (Sagittarius) : You continue to be miserable. Your only respite from self-loathing in the knowledge that everyone hates Cancer more.

Sonia (Taurus): You are Sonia. You will assuredly have a lovely September. In fact, you just got a raise.

Pisces: Fake sign. Instead, let's learn about Monopoly: Monopoly involves a portion of luck, with the roll of the dice determining whether a player gets to own key properties or lands on squares with high rents. Even the initial misfortune of going last is a significant disadvantage because one is more likely to land on property that has already been bought and therefore be forced to pay rent instead of having an opportunity to buy unowned property. According to the laws of probability, seven is the most probable roll of two dice, with a probability of 1 in 6, whereas 2 and 12 are the least probable rolls, each with a probability of 1 in 36.

Svetlana (Libra): You are a communist. September is a time of change, and while scarves and sweaters really scream down-trodden working class chic, there still won't be a revolution. You spend too much time in coffee shops eating poppy seed cake.

Rosemerta (Virgo): You remain unshakably sexy. You start school and all the boys want to talk to you. You remain disinterested. The boys think that your constant wearing of skin-tight sweaters is the alarum that signals you are “good to go.” What they don't know is that whatever the garment, you are eternally delicious.

Cancer: Jerk-sign. You remain a jerk. We hope that in September, we get to make an appearance at your sparsely attended funeral. We hate crowds.

Mistress Anmara (Capricorn): You look confusing in sweaters. Your lucky days in September are the 13th, the 23rd and the 1st of October. Further research shows that your ruling planet is Saturn, which is no surprise, as Saturn clearly rules and would also look confusing in a sweater.

Schizo Stevens (Gemini): Your journey continues. You buy dozens of blank keys. You lock up your house and car. You put the blanks into an old army helmet, along with all pairs of “real” keys (what is real, anyway?). You mix them all up. Once outside, you bury each individual key somewhere on the property of various neighbors. You go to sleep, the best to forget. You wake up. You must now race the elements, the seasons and perhaps God himself by finding the real keys to your home in order to gain access to shelter this coming winter. You are not the Grasshopper. You are the Ant. You do not pass Go. You do not collect $200.

Dell AST-57 (Aquarius) : You are a robot. And a witch. You have no need for sweaters. However, you do make brisk business selling herbal “remedies” to young ladies who find themselves in a “delicate condition” due to “Hey, like, it's the first week of school, right? Everyone hooks up.” These remedies render girls sterile, which eventually eases strains on the Canadian Pension Plan, leading to a higher quality life for all. Thank the earth-mother for sluts, right?

John (Scorpio): Svetlana keeps calling you re: you having slept with her last month. This is alarming, as you are a spy and continuously change cell-phone numbers. You worry that you are losing your edge. You worry that Svetlana might actually be a legitimate rival in the spy-game. Your options are to give her amnesia, kill her or threaten her in a way that discourages contact. Mistress Anmara gives you some advice, which you immediately put into play: you sleep with her again, but perform so poorly that anyone remotely canny would immediately become suspicious. Svetlana stops calling you. Mission complete.

Gordo (Aries): (explosion sound) Frosh! You don't technically attend a post-secondary institution, but you can look an under-aged dame up and down ONCE and know her pre-mixed cooler of choice. People often find this pervy, but your goals are more long-term: girls who party hard often lack stable father-figures. Carry the 2, this equation = lonely mothers. This isn't a math problem, so much as a math-ppurtunity. (sound of speed-boat hitting building)

Major General Chang (Leo) :

First autumn morning:
the mirror I stare into
shows my father's face.
The moment two bubbles
are united, they both vanish.
A lotus blooms.

Pickens (Sagittarius) : You continue to be miserable. The only event in your social calendrier is a possible funeral, sparsely attended. You write a eulogy, which everyone talks through.